At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
being pregnant is like rehab
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
