just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
