I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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