what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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