He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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