Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize