So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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