Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
smell my finger.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
