sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
