Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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