Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
