I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
