I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you traded sex for a burrito?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
