Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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