I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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