I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
