If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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