Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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