This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
