Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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