Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There's always time for handjobs
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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