The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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