It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
