i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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