idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
