I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
