I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize