My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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