I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
