guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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