well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
