If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize