awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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