you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
