I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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