He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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