The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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