I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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