I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
