I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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