he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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