Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
