evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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