You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
