piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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