Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
