I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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