Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
