I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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