I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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