i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
