I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
