8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
