i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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