I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
